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| Take these broken wings and learn to fly again... |
| 06.30.04 (9:54 pm) [edit] |
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Serious thinking time... reevaluating who I am time... drifting off course time... the last three years, looking back, I can see how far I've drifted from who I was. And, well, I liked who I was then... basically. But I really thought who I had becom, how I had changed, it was all for the better. But my values, my goals, my entire life just shifted so so much. So did my motivation. Now I dont know who I truly am, and who I truly want to be, whether Im actually any better, or any worse. I have this longing for some life changing experience, as if I need something like cleansing and purifying, like a self-discovery mission. The only thing is.. maybe Im afraid to discover who I truly am. But how can anyone truly get to know me if I wont even let myself see my true self..? There are tons of people out there who think they know me... but in reality... we dont... [b]we[/b] dont know me. There is a side to me that is totally comfortable and geniune, but its as if I freak out when people get a glimpse of it. You can push hurtful words aside when they come from someone who doesnt really know you... but I really want to take a risk... let someone truly see the real Sarah... I am just genuinely scared that the true me isnt good enough. I've hurt so many people by hiding myself from them... on many different levels. I know when Im hiding myself, when I start to condradict myself and change my mind. I really know exactly what I want about 99.9% of the time... but what if even sharing that is too much? It is crazy how dependent I have become on thoughts. You probably think Im just rambling about what others think about me here... but realistically, Im my biggest critic... I am the one I do not want to fail ultimately. So tomorrow, Im walking into Dunkin Donuts with someone.. I dont care who, and Im ordering exactly what I want. I always know. But then there are all the "they'll think" thoughts. A pig... anorexic... weird... it doesnt matter anymore. Sheesh, this sounds sad... but that's ok... baby steps. Im done with the secrets and done with the hiding. This scares me out of my mind... but all my friends... all... well everyone... you're about to see who I really am... slowly... but surely... you'll get to really know me. Let's hope you like who you meet.
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| I'm 15 for a moment... Caught in between 10 and 20... |
| 06.25.04 (6:45 pm) [edit] |
[i]"Take the finest wine in all the land, slip a single drop of poison in and well, that diner shall never comment on the delicious beverage, but rather the fact that he now lies on his death bed..."[/i] ~ anonymous
I'm a good kid. Proud to be. Really. I have flaws, tons of them. I make mistakes, tons of them. But I have [b]VALUES[/b] and a [b]CONSCIENCE[/b]. But if I walk into any store in this city, I will be clossly under the watch of all employees. Why? Because I'm a teenager. Because I am stuck in this awful age group. I know some awesome people my age, kids who are really making a difference, sticking to their principles, and making the right choices. But unfortunately, we are lumped in the same categorey with the few idiots who find shoplifting, vandalism, drugs, and whatnot entertaining. In all honesty, those who don't O.D. or end up in jail, will forever be in our age group, but for some reason, at this age, they suck all the trust in our generation out of the minds of average adults. And really, how can u blame them? Adults dont want their property destroyed or things stolen. At student council meetings, Freedom's Answer conferences, Honors night, adults have to utmost respect for the kids who haven't screwed up, but walk into a local mall or restaurant and all adults think you must be up to no good. It really sucks that us "good kids" have to prove our innocence everywhere we go. It's as if within our age group, you are guilty until proven innocent. In my own school we now have police officers present to limit violence and drug activity and whatever else. In all honesty, why mind their prescence if you have nothing to hide? It actually made the environment safer. But still I can't shake the feeling that everywhere I go I am a suspect, not because I have done anything wrong but simply because of my age. I guess the only solution is to keep proving my innocence, to all my fellow "good kids" keep up ... well being good. And soon enough, we'll be out of this age group :?
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| JuSt BrEaThe |
| 06.20.04 (6:48 pm) [edit] |
not even a week officially in to vacation here and I've already slept like 100 hours... oh how I adore summer... :wink: yeah this vacation has actually been going pretty ok... well except for being sick for awhile and doing the RI tourist thing con mis abuelos... it's really hard to act like a tourist in a state I've lived in like forever... but whatever. Big birthday shoutout to mi Dani-yelli of course :D Fay and I are planning an awesome b-day present... we just don't exactly know what it will be yet, but I tell ya, it's gonna rock. I have fallen in love with just relaxing... I'm even trying to write a book... crazy huh? Hmm what else...? I watched 50 first dates... sweetest movie... and I went to waterfire and block island... guess that's it for now... oh and I must say.. fay's homepage looks totally awesome :wink:
current mood: relaxed
current music: "Dont cry outloud" ~ Diana DeGarmo
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| For a rose by any other name would smell as sweet... |
| 06.15.04 (7:08 pm) [edit] |
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Wow, I've completely given up on the whole "true self" theory. In the past week, I feel like I've been 10 different people. I'm one person around my friends, another at school, another with literally every single person... It's like I'm creating a world with about 27 different Sarahs. So which one is really me? I wish I could tell you. Is the real me the one who will run through a theme park in a bikini singing show tunesand scaring tourists? yeah...to some people. How about the like insane wild crazy Paris Hilton character my soccer team perceives me as? let's hope not... Then the stressed me that I hate people to see, when I'm overtired and sick :( then there's the shy me, which I really don't like either... that tends to go along with being sick... and then there's the like focused in control me who trys to plan out my life 5 years into the future. Oh, and can't forget the me who acts blonde... don't really like the persona much either. This probably sounds crazy, but I know everyone is the same way to some degree... I see it in my friends and even in my enemies... so what's goin on here? Why can't I just let people see who I really truly am? Maybe I don't even know who that is... I just wish I could be more honest with people and sort of become the "I am who I am" type, not the I am ___ in front of you... and then I'm ___ in front of them. Well in any case... hope you don't think I've totally lost it here :roll: Yeah, I think a vacation is going to do wonders for me here... who knows? Maybe at some point this summer, everyone will see the real me... whoever that is :?:
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| Cards |
| 06.15.04 (1:14 pm) [edit] |
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Ok, here's what I'm thinking at the moment. Life should be like StuCo. Why? because. So we were at this stuco conference a few months back and we played this game. everyone had to stick a card to their head and walk around and talk to people. If their card was like a king then u were super nice to them. If their card was like a 2, then u would practically ignore them. Wouldn't that make life so much easier? If we knew exactly how to act towards everyone. But we dont, and labeling people isn't usually a good thing. So instead sometimes we end up resorting to putting on an act for each other, each trying to get someone to think of them as a King or Queen. But in reality, even after we meet someone, we may not know if they're an ace or a joker or whatever... I guess letting people get to know the "real you" is the best solution.... tuh.. easier said than done...
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| yuck |
| 06.13.04 (9:35 am) [edit] |
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bleh. I've been sick since like last tuesday, but I didn't want to miss the last few days of school or HOBY this weekend or anything, so now I feel even worse. The conference went really well yesterday, like 20 more FA recruits, but I felt so awful I barely said anything. I was like so bipolar. If anyone asked about FA I tried to act as if I wasnt going to throw up. But the reset of the time I was miserable. It's too bad because there were some really cool people there. Oh well, hopefully I'll see most of them again, when I'm not feeling like I'm going to die. :oops:
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| Have I told you lately... |
| 06.10.04 (6:47 pm) [edit] |
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SCHOOL IS OVER!!!! Thank goodness! Today, in school felt so weird, knowing that it was over and all and I wasn't entirely thrilled with some of my grades, but it's over!!!!!!! So after school I had to do some stuff for Freedom's Answer. Tomorrow, Mike Chris, and I are presenting FA at HOBY Rhode Island. Should be awesome. It's an all weekend sort of deal really. Mike and I went to pick Chris up at the airport only to find out he missed his flight or something so Mike and I had like 3 hours to waste. Not a bad way to end the school year. Well I'm all ready for a weekend full of FA! It's gonna rock. Good luck to everyone on their finals! :D
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| Once President, Forever an Optimistic Leader |
| 06.05.04 (8:46 pm) [edit] |
It takes a certain type of man to lead a country. It takes an outstanding man to be able to lead our country [u]well[/u] and still be able to find the humor in life. Let us pause for a moment and stop taking ourselves seriously and feeling like the weight of the world on our shoulders. Final exams and term papers cause pressure, but it isn't exactly like dealing with the cold war... May President Reagan rest in peace and forever see the bright side of everything.
A few Reagan quotes pertaining to various issues:
· Communism: "I believe that communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history whose last pages even now are being written."
· Government: "Government is not the solution, it's the problem."
· On Challenger Crew: "We will never forget them ... as they prepared for the journey and waved goodbye and slipped the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God."
· Joking While Testing Microphone: "My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
· After He Was Shot: "Honey, I forgot to duck."
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//Song of the Week:
This is for all you girls about 13
High school can be so rough, can be so mean
Hold on to, on to, your innocence
Stand up tall
When everybody's givin in
This one's for the girls
This is for all you girls about 25
In a little apartment
Just trying to get by
Livin' on, on dreams and Spaghettio's
Wonderin where your life is gonna go
This one's for the girls
This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holding back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This one's for the girls//
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